Wow LJ does know how to ask the right questions. read enough blog posts already?

will i ever marry? will i ever be happy with my life? when will i ever stop cursing? will i ever finally start making the right decisions and not succumbto stupid / uneducated emotions? will i ever get rid of THIS? will i ever?

I see myself in the similar position months ago. Always finding astoundingly credible excuses not to get back at something I thought was petty. Not that I'm accusing anyone of lies. I know that if there would be one more capable of that, that would be the author of the blog herself. If during the first few times I always found comfort in the mere fact of having the chance to see his face again, even for just a while.. or felt so excited in finally having to spend the day under a warm embrace.. just like any ordinary feelings not nurtured, it dissipated..

I got fed up of my life which I took for granted -- integrated with its health and its potentials. I often, cursed what curse it has been. Now that life has finally expressed its own wrath against its "curser" the more serious damage it has done was that it actually affected another.

It's probably because of these simple flaws that I then turned a deaf ear against the love disguised as complaints. I thought they were stress additives that I never wanted to analyze. I simply just felt that life wasn't turning in the direction I wanted it to. And it's because of that, that I started running for what I believe are MY idea of enjoyment.

But never in my life did I want him out of those ideas. I may be the most emotionally challenged.. but never have my emotions dictated shunning away a stabilizer.

I know exactly what it feels --- to become indifferent and not feel any pain when the one you then cared for cry helplessly before you. I guess that's just how the human mind works. The mind where everything is possible. A portion shuts off the vein that tells you to accept the prodigal son.

Especially... when the mind is already happy somewhere else....

When it has finally tasted the scent of love once again that became the source of life.

I guess the difficulty lies in that the mind has not yet approached the phase of preparedness. That somehow, it still clings on to the schema of love it has so solidly formed that's difficult to break.

How could one break the heart that once loved and breathed hope and happiness? It's not easy to break a mannerism. a habit. a belief. a tradition.

But somehow, the dynamics of the world provide factors that ease the flow. Helps in the gentle transformation of any solid ground.

It is possible to destroy that shield. But the act of passing through vulnerability is the hard part. Without concrete hold of the future. Of even present itself.

But in advancing to the next phase, I think that is inevitable.

It is possible to ease all the pain and be happy.

But then that would have to mean having to forget the sadness.

But sadness are anchored on to goodness.. good memories that is...

Would even those.. then have to be destroyed?

Has fate spoken?

I guess the least I can do is try to support the last breath of the love that once was..

Thanks.. and I'll try. :)

4063 BATAC, BLESSIE CAMACHO
4064 BATAC, BREN ANGELO DASALLAS
4065 BATAC, CLARIZZE GWEN POTESTADES
4066 BATAC, GREG ALLEN TAMAYO
4067 BATAC, IVY JOY OLLER
4068 BATAC, JAZZ ELEAZAR
4069 BATAC, KRISTEL JANE HADAP
4070 BATAC, KRISTINE MAE MARIANO
4071 BATAC, RHODORA CAMBRONERO
4072 BATAD, SAMMERLYN ASUNCION

I love you forever. May God continue to shower you with blessings! My twin, my best friend.

hi lj. it's been a while. ever since i started straying to the wrong direction.. how long has it been? a year? yeah.. it's been one whole year of ups and downs. literally.. ive spent it crying and laughing and crying again. usually before i close my eyes to sleep. I've been the messed up person that i am. or that one confused. ive been lonely and weak. i often overlooked things trusting in the obvious fact that there is a downside. now im a loser to it all. how bad has it been? im just about to find out.. especially now that my very best.. may soon decide..

worried.. stressed.. lacked sleep.. sick.. depressed.. angry.. hopeful.. happy.. sorry.. loved.. loving.. appreciative.. :)

1 1 HARVARD University United States
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7 9 UCL (University College London) United Kingdom
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10 11 COLUMBIA University United States
11 14 University of PENNSYLVANIA United States
12 6 PRINCETON University United States
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19 17 University of TOKYO Japan
20 12 MCGILL University Canada
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22 24 KING'S College London United Kingdom
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24 42 ETH Zurich (Swiss Federal Institute of T... Switzerland
25 25 KYOTO University Japan
26 18 University of HONG KONG Hong Kong
27 32 BROWN University United States
28 26 École Normale Supérieure, PARIS France
29 30 University of MANCHESTER United Kingdom
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33 29 NORTHWESTERN University United States
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37 31 The University of SYDNEY Australia
38 27 The University of MELBOURNE Australia
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161 217 University of LAUSANNE Switzerland
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165 135 University of FLORIDA United States
166= 223 CHULALONGKORN University Thailand
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168 155= University of NOTRE DAME United States
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179 200= University of CAPE TOWN South Africa
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185 208 BRANDEIS University United States
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186= 188= University of CANTERBURY New Zealand
188= 233 POHANG University of Science and Technol... Korea, South
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190 165 Universität STUTTGART Germany
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199 197= KOBE University Japan
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222 227= University of OTTAWA Canada
223 190 University of SURREY United Kingdom
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246= 229= GEORGE WASHINGTON University United States
246= 237= University of TURKU Finland
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250 309= Universiti Kebangsaan MALAYSIA (UKM) Malaysia
251 284= MAHIDOL University Thailand
252 248= YORK University Canada
253 243= School of Oriental and African Studies, ... United Kingdom
254= 401-500 Ateneo de MANILA University Philippines
254= 306 Universidad Autónoma de MADRID Spain
256= 258 Universidad Autónoma de BARCELONA Spain
256= 225= Universität INNSBRUCK Austria
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258= 276= University of GOTHENBURG Sweden
260 221= ARIZONA STATE University United States
261 290 CHARLES University Czech Republic
262= 298 University of CALIFORNIA, Riverside United States
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264= 286= BEN GURION University of the Negev Israel
264= 276= Rheinische Friedrich-Wilhelms-Universitä... Germany
266 267= Université Paris-Sud PARIS XI France
267 212 HIROSHIMA University Japan
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282 275 Université Joseph-Fourier, GRENOBLE I France
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291= 343= Politecnico di MILANO Italy
291= 264= University of TASMANIA Australia
294 401-500 École Nationale des Ponts et Chaussées E... France
295 317 University of SOUTHERN DENMARK Denmark
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296= 312= University of PADUA Italy
298 284= CHIBA University Japan
299 299 UMEÅ University Sweden
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302 300 DUBLIN City University Ireland
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306 401-500 University Complutense MADRID Spain
307 304= University of MANITOBA Canada
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325= 309= GRIFFITH University Australia
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328= 351= DUBLIN Institute of Technology Ireland
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328= 301= NORWEGIAN University of Science and Tech... Norway
328= 312= Universität BIELEFELD Germany
332 330 Johannes Gutenberg Universität MAINZ Germany
333 325 University of PISA Italy
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340 326 COLORADO STATE University United States
341 401-500 National YANG MING University Taiwan
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344 401-500 HANYANG University Korea, South
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354= 336= National CHENG KUNG University Taiwan
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356 401-500 Universiti Teknologi MALAYSIA (UTM) Malaysia
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359= 318 SHOWA University Japan
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365 286= WASHINGTON STATE University United States
366= 343= University of DELAWARE United States
366= 381= YESHIVA University United States
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368= 341= Universität MARBURG Germany
370= 350 LOYOLA University Chicago United States
370= 380 SUNG KYUN KWAN University Korea, South
372 354= University of OULU Finland
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374 401-500 BILKENT University Turkey
375 364= Universität BREMEN Germany
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376= 401-500 National University of Sciences and Tech... Pakistan
378= 401-500 HITOTSUBASHI University Japan
378= 386= KUMAMOTO University Japan
378= 364= TOKYO University of Science (TUS) Japan
378= 319= University of WAIKATO New Zealand
382= 303 College of WILLIAM & MARY United States
382= 401-500 Université des Sciences et Technologies ... France
382= 373 University of OKLAHOMA United States
382= 316 Universität JENA Germany
386 324 TIANJIN University China
387= 401-500 Universidad ORT Uruguay Uruguay
387= 319= University of COIMBRA Portugal
389 381= University of MISSOURI United States
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391= 349 University of BRADFORD United Kingdom
391= 374= University of JYVÄSKYLÄ Finland
391= 362= University of SOUTH CAROLINA United States
394= 401-500 GOLDSMITHS, University of London United Kingdom
394= 401-500 University of LIMERICK Ireland
396= 374= DEAKIN University Australia
396= 331= GUNMA University Japan
398= 401-500 University of NAPLES - Federico II Italy
398= 339= Universität of MÜNSTER Germany
400= 401-500 BANGOR University United Kingdom
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check out my site. it's for contacts only so if you guys have an account add me :p

jazzyhappy.multiply.com

and..

Facebook

jazz_superganda@yahoo.com

He created us with the gift of reason. And he wants us to use it in expressing our thoughts. We are keen and we always have a say on anything. Kaya nga lahat tayo opinionated eh.

Pero ang galing.. kasi naforesee niya na this may lead to arguments and disagreements and for some, even war.

thus he created a challenge for us ------- HUMBLE yourselves. Thus the limit to the freedom of speech. The secret to peace. :)

Hi. How are you. I haven't really gotten a chance to know you. I mean we are connected in ever which way but you're still too far away.


I remember you saying that you won't ever consider going across seas. But I guess nature is forcing us to do things we would never dare do given different circumstances.

I hope you are good. How's the weather today? Have you already eaten? Who's with you right now? Are they your friends? How's life? Do you get sick? Do you have any problems? Does your back ache?

I wish I could have known you more. I mean, I wish I could have made you smile a lot. I wish I could have drawn or painted something just for you. Or I could have sang to you. I wish I could have invited you for dinner out or see a movie. I wish I could have learned how to cook just so I can have something to serve to you.

I just wish that there could be an opportunity for us to really know each other.

I am seriously looking forward to having you around the house again. I want to be able to express my happiness and anger to you. Because that would mean we're close. :)

I pray for you always and I do want you to be happy. Just a few more years. I am planning to make something special for you.

I love you daddy. :)

isusulat ko lang.

isusulat ko na kasi ayoko pang mawala. Para lagi kong naaalala kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Isusulat ko lang kasi magaling ako magsulat. Nailalabas ang tunay kong saloobin nang hindi sumisigaw o nang hindi pagalit. This is my strength.

---
Galit ako.

Kasi ganyan ka. Praning.
Kung hindi naging masaya ang buhay mo, please lang.. don't drag me with you. Don't posion my mind. Don't tell me things that only you have been wallowing about for so long. Don't plan my life for me. Don't ask me to go to a far place with you just because you feel the urge to be there but can't let go of us.

Ang sarap mong murahin kasi unang una sa lahat.. ang pangit mo talaga magisip. lahat nalang ng mangyari sa buhay namin.. may kaakibat na negative implication sayo. You are so depressed and I can sense that. I hate it. Bluntly put, I abhor it to the bones. You could have chosen a better outlook in life while you had the chance. You could have chosen your life period.

Sinisisi ba kita. OO. Kasalanan mo yan. tanggapin mo ang nangyayari sa buhay mo kasi ikaw ang pumili niyan. You chose to be depressed. Sorry but that's the truth.

Kahit noon pa. You never really said anything or did anything na may structure. Yeah, it's cluttered. That's why I had to adapt it. Sa dinami dami nang pwede ma-acquire eto pa. Ang katangahan. Ang kalungkutan. Ang pessimism.

Somehow, I know that this is not God's will. He doesn't want us to be like this.

Sino ba ang mali sa atin.

Ako aaminin ko. Hindi ako tama. Ang dami ko nang katangahan at kamalian sa buhay. Kaya I am not claiming I am right. nor am I near to claiming I am perfect.

But you aren't too. you're definitely not PERFECT. Kaya Mahirap para sa akin ang paniwalaan ka. Ayoko kasing maniwala sa mga bagay na puro kalungkutan lamang. I know that we can never outlive this life with pure happiness. Hindi naman natin maaachieve yun eh. Pero I know that God does not want us to suffer. God wants us to LIVE. Live life happily. With each other. Loving.. etc etc. lahat ng God's will.

Pero aaminin ko.. tama ka.
di ka man perfect.. pero tama ka.
The world has been cruel to you and that explains You. And believe me, if only I knew better. If only I could turn back time.. I could have CHOSEN to be good. A better person to you. I could have CHOSEN to be more open-minded. I could have hugged you more. Talked with you more. I could have decided to mature quickly.

Pero I guess ganun talaga eh.. there are just really some point in life where we find ourselves still too naive to think. to think straight or maturely that is.

Pero eto na. Mali na nga eh. sinisisi na nga kita sa lahat. dahil sayo I am this confused person at my 20s. I am entering adulthood CONFUSED. Hindi ba ang saklap nun. At a time that you are already expected to make the RIGHT DECISIONS... you're confused.

Not teachable and overly expressive. Always living for the moment without regard to the future. Pabalang magisip. Pabalang magsalita.

So this is it.

I HATE YOU.

But you know what.. Hate is such a strong word.
Hate means there are still feelings of love for you. I'm confused that is why I tell you things you don't deserve to hear. You are the kindest and most sincere and most hardworking ever.

you always consider my welfare over your own. And even if it means not being able to breathe for your own you'd rather place my needs first.

And I know I have to stop being this insensitive to your feelings. I know that you are just as expressive as I am and that deep down, you long for a change in us. A change in this relationship.

I know that you are just waiting for me to grow up.
And believe me, I will.

Please wait for me because I can't rush it. As far as I see it, somehow I feel that I am programmed this way. Slowly but surely.

I do have plans of taking over. Of giving you what you deserve.

In the end all I want is for us to be happy.

I want YOU to be happy.

So please.. let US CHOOSE to be happy.

I'm working on it.

You just don't know how much I BLAME MYSELF for adding to your sadness, guilt or regrets in life.

Yes YOU affect me greatly.

That's why I need you to be strong too.

There is a future in all these..


I want to be able to tell you that you look good.
I want to tell you I love you and don't worry and that I am always following what you want.

I want to always be able to buy you what you want.
I want you to speak about only the lovely things.
I love you mom.
Or you may speak about the negative things as a matter of fact but not as a belief system.
I want you to have a keen mind.
To always look at things and see God first.
I want you to heal.
I want you to be happy. That's as honest as it can get.

As a video production staff..

-I get to travel to various local destinations!
-You have the license to go in and out of an "important venue hall" kasi nga "video team po kami". Kasama na jan ang pagpunta punta sa backstage.. etc.
-Shempre kasama na jan ang "I get to taste different kinds of yummy cuisines". :)
-I get to practice my CA skills -- it's like.. "Nagaral ako nang apat na taon para sa ganitong trabaho!" :)
-I get to work with a team! Yup I am a team player. My creativity is brought out best when it's supported by equally creative people.
-Hindi siya yung tipong trabaho na magrereklamo kang "Nabobobo na ako" kasi kahit nagttranscribe ka lang.. hindi ka pa rin nabobobo kasi iba iba namang video/audio ang tintranscribe mo. hahaha yun yun eh.
-I get to do other things while on a project. Meaning I don't feel bored at all. May variety. And no pressure. (except if I were to be given a higher role like production manager/production executive)
-I get to meet people (be it new teammates or clients or people from the places we visit)
-it's like getting paid for doing what you want!!
-it's tough but it's fun!

though shempre hindi pang call-center ang sweldo (haha) at kung minsan mafefeel mong naeexploit ka na dahil sa sangkatutak na utos na parang "naisipan lang na i-utos kasi wala na ibang gagawin", matatapunan ka pa ng toyo ng "boss" pero bawal magreklamo kasi nga "head" mo siya and kailangan mong tiisin na amoy toyo ka whole day and ang makukuha mo lang is "sorry" wala man lamang "bigyan kita pera pambili new pants" HAHAHAHAH JOKE. :), puyat ka (pero minsan nga i like that..), it's project based lang kaya no guarantee kung kelan ka magkakapera ulit.

MASAYA PA RIN SIYA. :) MASAYA MAG PRODUCTION. MASAYA MAG-FREELANCE :)

"... yang trabaho mo, siya na yan forever. Pag labas mo sa PICC yun na yun..after ng speech ng class valedictorian niyo that's it. You're on your own na.. So kung syunga syunga ka sa buhay eh lalamunin ka niya ng buhay.. hinde ka niya hihintayin.. kasi nga Life can't wait... "

got this from paolo m.

at bakit ko ito pinost? may point eh. haha.

no. i dont understand what you feel because i dont even wanna try. im sorry i cant bring myself to talk to you. to like complement you for anything or express my sincerest apologies or appreciation. i cant even look u in the eyes.. or hug u. im sorry for dragging you up until this very day. im sorry for always feeling sorry.

shoes! sandals! clothes! shopping!
scholarships! grants!
travel!
Study!
vacation!
beaches!
camping!
sunset!
sunrise!

let's fly!!

that's what im doing. im enjoying school now as prep for my career life soon. yes. i need to prep for it. :) kailangang magsawa sa reporting, assignments, recitation, cramming, final exams and projects. magsawa, magsawa para makamove on. :) you know you have to move soon :)

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and i also need to control my vocab. no more cussing and cursing for you girl. don't stress the small stuff. one at a time. :)

that I have people I can text whenever I feel sad, scared or am just feeling stupid :)

how i'd love to think about what to type in my blog next; to think about school; to think about how I'd apply for my next job, to think about setting my dreams straight, about going to the mall, about having a haircut, about having a new pet, being a superstar, new books to read, animals to save, dishes to wash, cars to purchase. How I love to think about peter pan, or shower caps, the beatles and the president's sona. I love to think about other things... please lemme just think about other things...

i am so happy! im happy that i have finally decided to blog about happy things from now on. What does this mean? well it means that I am finally ready to look at the brighter side of every situation! I realized that I have been too harsh on myself these past YEARS by always choosing to be on the negative side. Affirmation is the key to change this ugly attitude. :p Happy does not only enclose itself on the feeling/emotion. It also considers loveliness, beauty, peace, friendship, love and all the GOOD things in life. My aim is to create a thread of blog entries that would actually pass on the "happiness" to those who read it! I hope that by this small action I can inspire other bloggers to do the same. I believe this is what the world needs too. :)

suppose there would be a strong earthquake to hit manila.. what would your last blog entry be?

since i am a problem child and a problemsome person.. i dont really open up to people. I only write about my experiences in my journal/blog entries. and although it's tacky .. I'd like my livejournal network to know that I love my mom and dad so much. :) there's so many cheesy stuff i want to write but I won't. I don't believ there'd be an "earth shatterer" any time soon anyway.

but just so it's clear.. i don't hate you guys..